I recently hired a coach to help me develop my business as a coach and gain a better understanding of how I was standing in the way of my own personal #goals. Those of you who know me, know this is such a HUGE deal for me because it has been something I have been wanting to do for a while.
And I am so eager to share how our first session went.....
I MISSED IT
You read that right, there is nothing to read between the lines. I flat out missed MY FIRST COACHING SESSION.
I have never felt more ashamed or disappointed with myself.
"How could this happen?" I screeched.
This is something I had flipped over couches and counted coins for. You know when you see a penny on the ground and walk by? Yes? Not me, I picked up and pocketed every penny I saw. I offered to work over. I stopped going out as much. I literally depleted my life savings for a chance to work with this coach.
So what the heck. If this was SO important to me how did I let this happen?
With the launch of my new business, creating a one of a kind retreat, and planning a move cross country, I have really felt a strong pull to slow down.
But, instead of listening to my hearts true desires, I have been pushing through. Missing sleep, drinking way too many iced lattes, and skipping out on any type of pleasure or play to keep my soul nourished. I recently flew my dad in two days before my session and was trying to squeeze way too much in. You know, the type of squeeze when you're fitting into your freshly dried skinny jeans? The one where you have to do a little dance and hope no one sees you?
That was me with my calendar.
I was also over managing every aspect of mine and Anthony's move, something that could be so exciting and memorable, but instead I was turning it in a Sunk Your Battle ship war zone, assuming it was my responsibility to take care of everything. I'm a huge planner, I like things organized and accounted for. Anthony, on the other hand, is more go with the flow, last minute type of man. The Uhaul rental- pricing out UHaul rentals. Placing our condo for rent- taking pictures, concocting a beautiful scripted description of the place, one so good we would have heaps of people lining up to rent the place first thing in the morning! Finding a place BOTH Anthony and I love in LA- one that had granite counter tops, room for an office, no carpet for Anthony! (I know what you're thinking- rough life, right?) But I'm being vulnerable in sharing the real nitty gritty. These list we compile in our heads, the "stress" badge of honor we wear, they really cause unnecessary stress in our lives. When we push through, we miss out on things that are really important to us.
When my coach followed up to our missing our session by asking me to slow down. My mind raced.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I HAVE SO MANY THINGS ON MY PLATE RIGHT NOW, SLOW DOWN, HA!
My inner perfectionist was screaming for control.
Now fast forward to yesterday when I was home cooking dinner for Anthony. I was filled with joy about our upcoming move, day dreaming about California palm trees and sunsets; never having to bear another winter in Chicago.
I had also shut off the AC in our condo because I prefer the open windows rather than having them shut. Even though Anthony and I have bickered about this many times. I was oblivious in my day dream (singing California Girls by Katy Perry) to even take into consideration his preferences as I whisked over and set the switch to off.
I was in pure bliss. (picture Cinderella as she gets magically transformed into a beautiful princess by her Fairy God Mothers)
As Anthony walked into the house, he instantly began to complain about how hot the condo was, mumbling how he sweats outside all day at work as he stormed over to switch the AC back on.
Instantly, my bliss turned to rage as I thought "what an ass, he has to come in bitching about the air and can't even hug or kiss me after not seeing me all day?"
Immediately my Ego began to take charge and scream. Cursing him for working outside in this stupid humidity in the first place.
...but then I remembered. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I took a deep breath and came back to my center.
Instead of lashing out, I took a moment to compose myself and instead of REACTIVELY shouting, I slowed down and risked being vulnerable and told Anthony exactly how I felt. "When you walk in the door and instantly start yelling about the AC, not even acknowledging me it really makes me feel disconnected from you and hurts my feelings." -ugh, puke, SO not my comfort zone.
He went on to explain that he ABSOLUTELY never intended this to come off that way and to rest assure, he loves me dearly. Immediately my fire of anger was extinguished. What could have easily turned into a fit of rage and me being upset all night going to bed in silence was instantly resolved when I softened up and took a moment to slow down.
When I stopped trying to control and micromanage every aspect of our move, it created space and allowed Anthony to step up on his own and find the initiative to do things for the move himself.
How was he supposed to find room for himself anywhere in the picture when I was covering every aspect of it myself?
Life isn't meant to be led from your head, - instead listen to your heart When you are fighting the urge to push - instead feel what you are being pulled to
Learn to trust the ebbs and flows of the #Universe, be like water.